Children.
I’d be a liar if I said that having a child never crossed my mind. When I sat and played with dolls as a child, I definitely had a nurturing side. As a matter of fact, my favorite doll was Jessica (below). A few years back when visiting my hometown, I retrieved her from my mother’s attic and swooped her away to live in a box with many other keepsakes at my current home. Always special, Jessica is a toy that my late brother chose for me at Toys R Us back in the late 80s. I have fond memories of playing with her after becoming an only child at the age of four.
When it Got Real
The truth is, a doll is a far cry from a real child. Children grow, children have different life experiences than their parents, and their personalities vary. On top of all that, as a parent, you have to navigate the responsibility of raising children with another adult. Another adult who is also that child’s parent and has a personality all of their own. This collaboration is no easy feat.
At almost 40 years of age, it has been confirmed for me that I will remain childfree. I remember telling one of my clients that I probably wouldn’t have children. This was ten years ago when I was living and working in Chicago. I remember my client responding, “Oh at least give it until you’re 35!”
Even back then, I had pretty much decided that my life would not include a child.
The Why
There are three big reasons.
- I wanted to be a “young” mom. I suppose youth is relative. Some would say I’m still fairly young at 39. But in my mind, the ideal time to have a kiddo is in your in your mid to late 20s. That’s when you’ve got this thing called, what’s the word now…? Energy! That’s it! Energy! I realized, at 29 years old that I wouldn’t make it as a parent. After falling asleep on the couch in the middle of watching Judge Judy sometime after 4 pm following a hard day’s work as a speech therapist, I was pretty sure that my energy levels were not in line with the requirements of parenting.
- There are no guarantees. There are no guarantees with anything, I suppose. But see, I have always been incredibly passionate about children living in a two-parent household. So many children that I grew up around lived in a home with only one parent. Many of us turned out great, we have degrees, careers and businesses now. But I remembered that many of the children at my school were living in a home with their mom and their dad. It was then that I decided that MY children would grow up with me and their father living under one roof. If only it were so simple. As I mentioned, there are no guarantees. We all know that things change between individuals once a child is in the picture. There’s no guarantee that you will continue to see eye-to-eye as that child grows up. Divorces happen. No one can guarantee that it won’t…there is no crystal ball. To be frank, there’s too much that’s out of your control. That my friends, is a troubling thought for a person like me.
- Growing up, I remember my mother talking to me about the idea of having children, “If you don’t want none, don’t have none,” she’d say. This is one of the many things I admire about my mother. She never pressured me about having children, and still doesn’t. I guess I was lucky to have a parent who didn’t pressure me about such huge life decisions.
Today, this childfree life continues on with no regrets.
The bottom line is, having children was and is too circumstantial for me. I only gave myself a small window to have children and I wanted to be happily married before they arrived. Neither of those things happened. I can’t say that I’m disappointed about it either. It didn’t pan out, that’s all! The standards that I set for my life when it came to children never came to fruition.
Moving on 😊
Where To From Here?
That’s my childfree story. I’m happy that so many other things in life came true for me. The main ones being my self-sufficiency and maintaining relationships with the family and friends I already have. Maybe an unconventional life, but satisfactory one, nonetheless.
Have you decided to live the childfree life? Do your reasons differ from mine?
Please share your thoughts with me in the comments.
Cheers,
Tiara Queensbury 